Tag Archives: tidying up

Monday 26th April 2010 – It was another good day today

And I didn’t miss any of it really seeing as how I had another early morning phone call. So having dealt with that and having breakfasted I then missed almost all of the decent weather by having to come up here to work. It seems that our guest for this month’s radio programmes has gone AWOL and it’s too late to arrange for anyone else.

So I had to have a rummage around in the darkened corners of my mind and I’ve come up with a lively topic – FURTHER EDUCATION. Liz and I can talk about that for hours as we both have experience of it. And with people desperate to fill in their spare time it seemed to be a good option.

There are four categories too, which will fit in nicely with the four weeks –

GCSEs and A Levels
Higher Education
Vocational training
Learning for Pleasure

and so I have been researching.

I had a break for a few hours and did some more unloading of Caliburn. You can’t move up here for stuff now. I had a rummage through the tools that were in the LDV and remade the toolbox contents in Caliburn with the best of the stuff. When I had my taxis 25 years ago I used my tools an awful lot – hardly surprising given the cars that I had, and many of those tools from those days had found their way into the mobile toolbox. And strange as it is to say it, just feeling those tools and feeling just how comfortably they fitted into my hands again – it was just like meeting up with good old friends.

Normally I don’t go in for the pretentious prose and garbage and that kind of thing, but it really was something extraordinary.

But on the subject of vocational training I met Elodie at the football. She’s quite cute and I have a soft spot for her. I hadn’t seen her on the tills at Auchan for a while, and she told me she had left and was now back in full-time education. One of the courses she is taking is in shorthand-typing and having learnt of Terry’s injury, she suggested that it might be a career opportunity for him.

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Friday23rd April 2010 – I’ll be back …

… on the road in about 10 minutes. And I’ll be very late getting away tonight, much later than I wanted to be, but then again, a lot has happened.

Firstly we had yet another “end of an era”. Long-time followers of this organ will recall the white LDV that I bought in 2002 and which ran for ever once we put a new engine into it but which was defeated by rust and lack of spare parts. It’s been sitting outside the apartment at “Expo” for three years since Caliburn came along and everyone was moaning about it, so I had someone come along and take it away.

A vehicle dismantler in Brussels has an LDV and he can’t find spares for it either so he gave me €100 for it, which I reckoned was excellent value.

Cleaning it out discovered hordes of goodies that I had forgotten all about too as well as a full set of tools, so it was quite profitable all told.

After that I went for lunch with Mike, who is doing my old job as chair of the Open University Student Association’s North European Revolutionary Forces. And I had quite a laugh as on the way there I saw a billboard saying “You have won the lottery. Where will you be dining now?” Well, I had effectively won the lottery with disposing of the LDV and I was taking Mike to a fritkot. My generosity knows no bounds.

And so, after paying all of the bills and so forth, I cleaned up Expo just a little bit, loaded up Caliburn, and hit the road.

I also found some time to call in at the IKEA Anderlecht (where I was one of several persons involved in an argument on the car park) for one or two things that I need at home.

And so, all in all, it is going to be a very late departure and I’m not planning on making it all the way home in one go. After all, I’ve had quite a busy day.

Thursday 22nd April 2010 – I can’t be doing …

… with this tidying up nonsense

I’ve been at it for most of the day and don’t seem to have made any progress at all. But then again I’ve taken 6 full bin liners down to the dustbins, packed up another three ready to donate to the clothes collection, and I’ve also done four washing-machine loads.

But you can’t really notice any difference and anyone who comes here and recalls this posting will wonder what on earth the place looked like before I started to tidy it up.

Having said that though, it IS three years since I’ve lived here and so there’s bound to be piles of dust and the like, and with renovations going on simultaneously in two rooms (long-term readers of this blog in its previous guises will recall all about that) it’s hardly surprising that things got just a little out of control.

Tomorrow I have some bills to pay and then I need to load up Caliburn with stuff. That’ll empty the place somewhat and it will make moving around so much easier. I still haven’t worked out where I’m going to put everything when I finally empty out the place (I’m just bringing stuff that can be left outside) so it seems to me that my priorities need to be to finish the bedroom back at the farm when I return and get that emptied out of tools and slates and the like. That’ll give me somewhere dry to keep everything while I have a good ponder.

But there’s some kind of plan simmering around underneath the surface for this place too, but more of this anon.

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Wednesday 21st April 2010 – Friends Reunited

Strawberry Moose got to see his Auntie Tracy this evening. In fact it’s been quite some time since the two of them met – probably two years or so.

As predicted, cleaning this apartment is pretty hard work particularly when your heart isn’t in it. But at least I’ve cleared away the forest of dead plants inside the apartment, made a start on the ones on the terrace, and I began some desultory cleaning.

But then of course the rest is history.

It didn’t take me long to get discouraged so I rang up Tracy in Antwerpen to see if she fancied coming down for a coffee, but she wasn’t feeling too well and so, any excuse to stop cleaning and tidying, I went up there.

We had a good chat, mostly about what’s been happening to us since we both graduated from the Open University, and then went out for a meal. And if there’s one type of cooking that will run a good Indian close then it has to be Middle Eastern cooking and as luck would have it there is an Egyptian restaurant not too far from where she lives whose falafel and hummus is second to none. And of course there has to be a big plate of fritjes to go with it. After all, this is Belgium and they invented the French Fry. There is of course all of the old jokes about this –
“Why are there no Belgian astronauts?”
“Because there are no fritkots on the moon”
“What do you call a German living in Belgium?”
“Fritz”
“Why are there potatoes in Belgium and oil in the Middle East?”
“Because the Belgians had first choice”
Yes, we know them all.

But I like Antwerpen – it’s got much more going for it than Brussels. And had my work not have been so “irregular” I would have gladly bought a place here. In fact there is a suburb of Antwerpen specially named for me – it’s called Weerde. I would have been very happy there, almost as happy as living in that Belgian town between Enghein and Ath.

It’s called Silly.

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Friday 16th April 2010 – I must be off my head.

I bet you have been wondering what I’ve been doing going to Clermont Ferrand every Friday evening and what is the real reason behind my sudden quest for fitness. The truth is that a couple of months ago I saw a course advertised on a website and being a keen follower of further education and broadening my sphere of knowledge, I decided that I would talk my way onto it.

And sure enough I did, and I’ve been on this course for six weeks and I am now, would you believe it, a fully-qualified French football referee. I reckoned that seeing as I have more than a passing interest in football and I go to as many local matches as I can, I would take something of a more active role in the sport. If I were really honest about it I’m in no state to actually play and so refereeing would be a suitable role. And it’s also an unusual qualification to have, isn’t it?

Many people had to study hard and take this examination, but not me of course. My route to the top was somewhat easier –
1) They enquired if my parents were married at the time of my birth
and on hearing that the answer was no —
2) They gave me an eyesight test
which I promptly failed …
and so I was passed straight through and didn’t have to sit this 2-hour exam consisting of 44 video extracts of matches and asked several questions on each extract.

Today I did some work up here until about 12:30 and then I started to tidy up in the garden now that work has finished there. This afternoon I had a good go at tidying Caliburn and I have the cab quite clean and tidy.

But I still can’t find my mobile phone and I’ve no idea where it is that I have left it.

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Tuesday 2nd March 2010 – Well, the Passat has a new home.

In fact I’ve moved it to where we cleared out yesterday. It’s not actually where it’s going to stay but we had a little operational difficulty about that – namely it will be parked right over where we had the fire yesterday – and that it still burning – or it was at 17:30 this afternoon.

Well done to the Passat though as it went everywhere under is own steam, the first time it’s seriously moved since 2003 as keen readers of these pages in one of its many former reincarnations will remember that it was when I was down here from Brussels with the Passat in 2003 that I was taken seriously ill, and Lieneke drove me back which meant that the Passat had to stay here.

So I charged up the battery on the solar panels in the barn but the battery wouldn’t hold its charge (no surprise there) so I had to jump it off Caliburn. None of the electrics were working either so I had to hotwire the heater plugs and after three rotations the engine fired up. Smoke everywhere, especially from the damp that was everywhere and having to dry out) but then again so would you if you had stood around for 7 years and someone put 13.4 volts through you.

The handbrake had seized so a simple rolling backwards and forwards freed that off, and then I set off down the lane, negotiating the elageur who had miraculously appeared in order to mow the banks. At this point the throttle cable snapped, so I wedged the throttle stop open with a piece of wood (to go faster, you just stick a thicker piece of wood in – all hi-tech this, you know) and I eventually got it into position.

Tomorrow I’ll be moving the Escort van and the Sankey trailer, and taking my towing dolly round to Bill’s. Once that is done I can sit back a little.

I’ve also been hacking my way through the undergrowth in the garden and as well as that I’ve been moving he rubble out of what will be the bedroom. I’m not short of work round here at the moment.

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Sunday 28th February 2010 – Phew!

I didn’t wake up until past 11:00 this morning But that’s no surprise as I didn’t get to sleep until God knows what time. What kept me awake for most of the night was the hurricane we had. It started to blow round about 19:30 but by the time 01:00 came round it was howling away like a good’un. The crescendo was at probably 04:00 when there was everything howling around. You could hear the wood that I had neatly stacked up come crashing down and it was round about this time that the bathroom window was blown in.

What was surprising though was how warm it was. it was 12 degrees outside during all of this – a good 10 degrees warmer than usual. In fact when I woke up it was almost 14 degrees in here and it rose steadily during the day.

So first job after breakfast was to fix everything. But in reality there wasn’t all that much. The barn has lost a pile of slates but it will be going to lose all of them in early course – the same with the bathroom window which is going to be replaced. So the permanent damage is about nil. Mind you it wasn’t half impressive.

And most of today has been spent cleaning and tidying. It’s about time I did something like this. Nietzsche said something like “out of chaos comes order” but he clearly hasn’t ever been around anywhere that I have been.

I’ve had no heating today either – the first day of the year. And it’s still 13.4 degrees. Sumer is definitely acumen in. Lude sing cucu, what?

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Saturday 27th February 2010 – I had a quiet day today.

Up early enough and then after breakfast I did a few rearrangements downstairs and then came up here to catch up on some correspondence.

Lunchtime saw me head into St Eloy and shopping. There was nothing exciting at LIDL and so apart from the usual necessities my hands stayed in my pocket. I went to see the European Cardboard Box Mountain otherwise known as Claude’s new apartment and made sure that he and Francoise were ok.

This afternoon I went to the mairie to see the mayor. I’m a firm believer in turning things to my advantage and what with the Parisian being up to no good and the roadmaking project for Claude’s barn I’ll get my parking spaces yet! No harm in turning the screw a little.

This evening Guus and Lieneke came round. They are going back to the Netherlands tomorrow and so I invited them to have some birthday cake. They bought me a little birthday present which was quite nice of them.

And that was that really. No football so I haven’t done anything else.

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Thursday 25th February 2010 – When I took the rain measurements just now …

… there was 1.5mm in the rain gauge. And if I had taken the measurements 10 minutes later it would have been completely different as we had the most terrific thunderstorm. Lightning, thunder, hailstorms, torrents of rain – you name it, we had it.

But I dunno what happened today but I was feeling quite enthusiastic – I haven’t felt like this for a while. I was up early and after breakfast I sorted out the seeds for this year’s garden. I’m throwing away all of the older stuff and starting afresh. I took the opportunity to plant a few lettuce seeds seeing as the weather has improved. I improvised a hot bed – a container in the verandah right over where I cook so the heat will keep the container warm.

So after that it was outside shifting piles of things around – like pallets, bags of gravel, that kind of thing. I’ve laid some corrugated iron roofing sheets down and I’m using one for storing the grave and some others for the rubble inside the house, starting with what used to be the bedroom wall. That led to some more pulling up of brambles and some cutting of wood. And that got me started on the wood and all of the remains of the trees thatI demolished last year and left lying where I’m hoping Bernard is going to flatten – I’ve started to cut them up into sies that will fit my stove up here.

After lunch I nipped down to the quarry to enquire about roadstone and delivery and so on for when Bernard comes to dig out, and then back here cutting wood until the rain drove me inside. I hadn’t finished then – in fact I carried on insulating the back wall until it grew dark. Working until 18:30! Whatever next!

All in all it’s been an impressive day and I’ve no idea how come.

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Thursday 18th February 2010 – I got back into the swing of working today.

I’ve started to put the framing on the wall and I’ve attached the first row of insulation to the back wall. That’s the north side of the house so it needs a good cladding. Not for nothing will I be installing the wardrobe across that back wall either.

Mind you I think that the weather had something to do with it. For the first time in weeks it was warm in the verandah this morning and when you can eat your breakfast in the warmth and the calm it makes for a good start to the day.

Brilliant sunshine for most of the day too and I ran the heater up here for almost three hours to use up the surplus electricity.

So having lined part of the wall I needed to remove a pile of rubble to get at the rest. That involved fetching a sheet of corrugated iron from the garage and that involved tidying up a bit in there. And once I’d found a space to lay down the sheet it involved fetching bucket loads of rubble downstairs. But I didn’t do too many for the ground where I’m going to put my new raised beds had all dried out already even though the thaw is only about 24 hours on. So I set a big fire and spent the rest of the afternoon weeding.

With it being light until later I was still out working until 18:15 and I was quite enjoying myself.

There’s no doubt that good weather all helps to cheer you up.

In other news, seeing as I have nothing to lose I’ve written a stinking letter to Pentax. I’m thoroughly p155ed off with their after-sales service.

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Sunday 7th February 2010 – We’re back in the usual routine.

A nice lie-in on Sunday morning interrupted by a torrential downpour. So out of bed by 09:45 (which is early for me as you know) and breakfast followed by tidying up the verandah. After that it was back up here and try out the new power supply for the old Lenovo that gave up the ghost back in the summer. Hunting around the other day for a replacement I came across one on eBay at a grand total of £7.45 plus £3.50 postage. And much to mysurprise it actually works! So now I can recover the data that wasn’t included in the last back-up.

This afternoon it was down to St Eloy to watch Pionsat’s 1st XI play the Miners. And they lost 4-1. Mind you the scoreline is a totally unfair reflection of the result and they were so unlucky – they hit the woodwork three times. But in truth they offered litttle up front with no Cedric, even though the Nord Combraille goalkeeper was a pretty busy man rushing out after all of these through-balls. Pionsat had a patched-up defence and an injury to Yann made things even worse. By the time the final whistle went, Pionsat’s back-line consisted of Gregory the left-winger playing at left-back, Sebastien who plays midfield for the 2nd XI at centre-half partnered by Pierre from Brico-Depot who usually plays on the right wing, and someone who I had never seen before playing at right-back. Nevertheless it was a really good match and I quite enjoyed it despite the scoreline. Two of Nord Combraille’s goals were absolute peaches.

That wood-burning boiler that Terry bought does not weigh 270 kilos. In fact it weighs in at well over 300 and it’s blasted heavy and awkward. But with the aid of two scaffolding planks and a carpet we got it into the kitchen. It’s just as well as it’s Claude-moving starting tomorrow and Terry’s van needs to be empty!

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Wednesday 20th January 2010 – I see that some kind of wiser counsels have prevailed.

One of the “High Wycombe Two” has been released on appeal. He’s had his sentence reduced to 12 months (which is still 12 months too long) but suspended for two years, which is two years too long too. His brother is still inside though, but his absolutely ridiculous 39 months has been reduced to a just-as-absurd two years.

But the final (at least in the short-term) words must go to Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson. Now as you know if you have been following my outpourings for any length of time, there is no love lost between me and the Met, but I think that Stephenson’s words deserve full attention. He said that “people who put themselves in danger to tackle criminals should be celebrated as heroes. Courageous members of the public make our society worthwhile“. Now that statement is giving out a clear message to three groups of people – firstly the victims, who now seem (in Greater London anyway) to have some sort of licence from the police to beat villains to a pulp, secondly to the villains, that the victims are likely to beat them to a pulp with police encouragement, but thirdly, and most importantly, to the Judges. “Up yours, m’lud”.

In other news, I turned the place upside down this morning and found one of the missing papers. And so I went chaud-pied down to Pionsat to post my parcels of unwanted electrical goods. They are doing no good around here and I might shame the various suppliers into replacing them. It’s worth a try.

When I got back Liz called me and we had a mega-discussion about our forthcoming radio programmes. While she was on the phone Terry turned up – he’d been to Brico-Depot – and we had a chat about our future income-generating projects. And as I am in the middle of a culinary crisis (I’ve run out of vegan christmas cake) I tried my best to stimulate him into needing a helping hand round at his house. You never know – Liz might be baking!

Terry had also developed a flat tyre on his van so we had a tyre-changing session. He has 16″ wheels (Caliburn’s are 15″) and you’ve no idea how heavy they are. And I dunno who fastened his wheels on last time but I wouldn’t like to meet him up a dark alley late at night – it took a power bar and a long length of pipe to free the nuts off.

After Terry had gone I started work on the last bits of the studding for the false wall in the bedroom. And when it got too dark to work up there any more I glanced at the time – 17:58. Yes, the days are definitely lengthening.

And following my crowing about the weather last night, I was woken up at 04:00 this morning by a torrential rainstorm. Serve me right! But today was another good solar day and my batteries are fully-charged.

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Tuesday 19th January 2010 – This weather forecaster is absolutely astonishing!

Yes, he promised us rain today – a 90% chance with 14mm in the daytime and 10mm through the night. The current forecast however for this evening has changed slightly and we now have a 50% chance of rain and an estimated 3mm

And so what was the weather like today then? Why, it was glorious non-stop sunshine of course. So much so that the batteries are fully-charged again and I did a huge load of washing this morning. And while it was a-doing I started to look around the verandah for a paper that I’ve lost. That progressed into a full-scale tidy up and reorganisation in there that has lasted all day and still is nowhere near finished. Even so, there’s quite an improvement, even though the casual observer might not think so. And of course, I haven’t found the paper I was looking for that started all of this off. I need to find it as I have to go into Pionsat and I can’t go without this paper (well, I can but it makes the journey rather pointless).

And this evening’s weather? A brilliantly clear sky with thousands of stars.

And in other news, Rhys and I are well-known for our fundamental differences of opinion on American politics and the bearing of arms and the like, and we have long-since agreed to differ about this. But every now and again we find ourselves surprisingly arranged on the same side. And it’s with this in mind that I want to draw your attention to a legal case that has been hitting the news in the UK. A family comes home from their mosque and finds three men burgling their home. The family is captured and tied up while the burglary continues. As the burgalrs leave, the father of the family breaks free and grabs hold of his brother and the two of them chase the three villains. They catch up with one of them and hit him with a cricket bat to incapacitate him.

The burglar is tried and convicted and given a two-year supervision order. The two brothers, one of whom remember was tied up by the burglars and was forced to watch his family tied up, well they get prison sentences. And not just any ordinary prison sentences either but 30 and 39 months respectively.

Now that is not the part of the procedure that is obscene. The worst part of the whole affair is the judge’s comments. The burglars have committed a “serious and wicked offence” – and the sentence for that crime is probation. The judge goes on to say that “If persons were permitted to take the law into their own hands and inflict their own instant and violent punishment on an apprehended offender rather than letting justice take its course, then the rule of law and our system of criminal justice, which are the hallmarks of a civilised society, would collapse.“

So let’s talk about that. How many of the THREE offenders have been brought to justice? The answer is “jusr one”. And which one was it that was brought to justice? Why, the one that the victims hit with a cricket bat. If the victims had not hit him with a cricket bat it is likely that he would have made his getaway with his two colleagues and would never have been brought to justice at all.

And seeing as he was brought before justice, how come justice did not prevail upon him to disclose the names of his partners in crime? I suppose that this is justice in the UK taking its course. If I had been in charge of the trial it wouldn’t have been two years supervision it would have been five years inside. Three times five years is fifteen years and the criminal who had been captured would have to serve the lot if he wouldn’t disclose the names of his colleagues. Soon put a stop to the vow of Omerta, that would.

Of course, the irony of his comments seems to have sailed right over the head of the trial judge. Maybe someone should hit him with a cricket bat and knock some sense into him. But I feel that it would take more than that to knock some sense into the UK right now. I’m glad I don’t live there any more.

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Saturday 2nd January 2010 – Well…

…I’ve finally had the day that I have been waiting for – a long cold Arctic sunny day. There were still plenty of clouds around but I managed 135 amp-hours of electricity in the house and 37.4 in the barn. That figure for the house – it’s the highest since 20th November and it’s cheered me up a little.

So this morning I had a really good clean and tidy up. I threw out tons of stuff and there’s another huge pile for burning. I may well do that tomorrow and cook some potatoes while I’m at it, to eat tomorrow night with the pizza. I’ve found some more pine shelving and I took that upstairs and now that’s all full of folders documents and magazines. The place looks pretty impressive and that’s just as well for Terry and Liz came round this evening. And that reminds me – I must fix up a proper doorbell now that I’m more likely to have visitors. I can’t have my guests banging on the door for ages while I have the music going full-tilt.

This afternoon I went into Pionsat to swap a bottle of gas at the garage. I like to support local commerces if it’s just for this kind of thing. It’s cheaper than going to St Eloy even if the gas is cheaper there – 10kms instead of 35 and much less chance of being sidetracked by LIDL. But despite the garage having a notice saying “Ferme les dimanche ainsi que les jours feries” it was closed, despite it being neither a Sunday nor a Public Holiday. I don’t know what’s the matter with these places in Pionsat – they don’t want to earn any money and I had to go to St Eloy instead. Yes, the long-range weather forecast warns us of MINUS 13 on Tuesday night, MINUS 14 on Thursday night and MINUS 6 during Friday DAYTIME. I don’t want to be stuck without heating in these conditions.

And I’m having serious second thoughts about my kitchen. I have to bring the water pipe all the way across the house to the far corner of the attic and then drop the water down below to the bathroom but run a hot water pipe right the way back across the house to the lean-to where I’ll be putting the kitchen. Meanwhile directly under the stairs on the ground floor and right underneath the bathroom will be a load of dead space. And today I’ve been thinking about putting an open kitchen there. It’ll narrow the room quite a bit (from 5.2 metres to about 3.6) and the kitchen will be quite small but then again I’m not using half of this attic and there is only me to think about. It’ll make the plumbing so much easier too.

What do you think? All comments hints and suggestions are welcome.

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Tuesday 29th December 2009 – Errr … yes …. quite!

So I finished the lighting in the stairwell this morning as you can see. There’s a 12-volt LED light now illuminating where the entrance hall is going to be.

. Once that was done I looked at the list of other small jobs to do. One of them was to fit a piece of insulation over the top of the battery box and seeing as that golden thingy was up in the sky I reckoned that this was a good time to do it.

So I removed all of the rubbish from off the top of the wooden lid, cleaned everything out, and while I was about it I checked the batteries – I haven’t done that for a while.

There are 10 batteries in the box – they are all Hawker 92-amphour sealed gel batteries. 9 of them were all nice and cool and simmering away nicely. The tenth was boiling hot and it you look closely you will see where the case has swollen up. This is pretty serious stuff. It’s the first battery in the bank and it’s quite clear from looking at this that the business of handling 250 amps of current per day during the summer has proved to be too much. It’s boiled, the plates have swollen and made a short circuit inside. The short circuit has created resistance to the charge and that resistance is being dissipated into heat and hence the battery is warm and why the charge in the rest of the batteries is down.

Just at that moment a friendly grey cloud blew over the sun and cut off the solar energy so I did a swift disconnection, removed the battery and subsituted another one. And straight away the battery voltage went up 0.4 of a volt.

I’ve rerouted the cables so the positive lead goes into one battery and the negative lead goes into another and that will help to circulate the current a little better but I think that I’m going to have to reconsider my configuration. I can generate a theoretical maximum of about 75 amps but a more practical expectation is about 50 amps. 50 amps seems to be too much for one battery so I’m planning on reverting to the original idea of having two banks of batteries with each of the two banks of solar panels charging up its own bank of batteries. The bus bar, that connects everything together, instead of being between the control panel and the batteries, will have to be sited after the batteries. That will involve more cable, with a greater potential for voltage drop, but unless I can think of another way then that will have to do.

After lunch I made a start on the jungle but I wasn’t there for long. Claude came round for my assistance with his trailer wiring that he coulsn’t get to work. So the rest of the afternoon was spent rewiring his trailer.

And in other news, here is the reason for the latest attempt at airline piracy. One western country wants to remove another civil liberty from its citizens so it needs to create a panic in order to scare them sufficiently so that they will fall for it hook line and sinker. I’m not quite sure what kind of pervert it is that wants to spend all day looking at naked bodies but if this is going to become law I’m going to insist that the people operating the scanners are completely starkers so we can get our own back by looking at them in the buff.

Of course the way to respond, if this ever happens, is to whip up a scandal of our own by accusing all of the airport staff of being pedophiles anxious to have a sneaky look and the naked body of some unsuspecting minor. That should whip up quite a storm, and quite right too.

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EPIC HALL

The Poisoned Pen (or Poisoned Chalice, more like) – or my relentless struggle against reality