Category Archives: gouttieres

Wednesday 22nd June 2022 – WELCOME HOME

This morning I went round to my house in Virlet. And I’m not going to say too much about it because it was so depressing.

You’ll be able to see what I mean by looking at this photograph. There was no way of getting even close to the house because of all the weeds and brambles.

The last time that I was there two years ago I was able to fight my way into the place with the aid of a heavy-duty brush-cutter but I’m in no fit condition to even attempt that these days.

And in any case I don’t have a brush-cutter. So that ruled that out. But it was such a disappointment.

And for a change, until I saw my house I was feeling fighting-fit. I’d eventually gone off to sleep despite all of the celestial artillery and wasn’t that a real racket? It was the loudest storm that I’ve lived through for quite a while.

As far as I knew I slept right the way through until about 06:45 and stayed in bed until 07:30. The morning cup of tea was rather later than usual.

After breakfast we set off. The house of a friend of Rosemary had been badly bashed about in a hailstorm and some temporary repairs had been effected. The insurance company needed to know that it was properly tarpaulined and as the owner is away right now, Rosemary was charged with the task of going and taking some photos.

It was after that that we went to inspect my pile.

Back here we had a coffee and I had another session with Miss Ukraine and her animal encyclopedia. Considering that she doesn’t speak English or French and I don’t speak Ukrainian (just a dozen or so words of Russian) we had an extremely dynamic chat that went on for ages and she guessed my favourite animal – turning straight away to the page with Polar Bears on it.

Yes, I seem to be flavour of the month right now and I’m not sure why. Rosemary seems to think that I’m the only person who ever listens to kids properly when they talk and that’s the nicest compliment someone has paid me for quite a while.

As I have said before … “and on many occasions too” – ed … I think that kids get a pretty raw deal out of life. No-one ever seems to take any time with them or have any interest in them and what they have to say.

After lunch Rosemary had to go for a doctor’s appointment so I stayed behind and listened to the dictaphone to see where I’d been during the night. We were camping, my brother and I. There was a river that was full of rocks. I made a kind of improvised ram out of an old railway carriage bogie and dropped it in the water on top of these rocks with the aim that the water would carry it down, clear some of these rocks and make the water run quicker. It jammed up under a bridge so I had to get there and free it off. That took quite a while. I set it off again and it hadn’t gone more than 20 yards when it became stuck in the bank of the river. This caused a big rock fall into the river and blocked the river. I thought that what I’d been doing so far hadn’t been a very great success. I had to make tea and we were camping. We had a couple of tents and there was a caravan oven there. There was a shop-bought pizza and I had to make another one. The first thing that I nearly did was to fall into the river. My brother came to see what was going on and gave me a few lectures about everything. Then I started to unwrap the shop-bought pizza ready to put in the oven. That could be cooking while I was making mine. But I didn’t have any ingredients to hand so I was debating with myself how I was going to make this pizza when I hadn’t any ingredients and no facilities like a table or anything to make the pizza on.

And later we’d been in a kind of museum or exhibition or something like that and were on our way out. I’d gone and picked up 2 packets of crisps but I couldn’t work out where to pay for them. I was halfway through walking out of the building before I realised that this wasn’t right so I went to put back these 2 packets of crisps and walked out down these steps. There were hundreds of coaches in this car park and thousands of people milling around. Eventually I worked my way round to where I thought our coach was parked but there was a coach there and they were shepherding a load of prisoners of war off it and marching them off. We were told to wait so we waited for a while but no-one came so in the end we set off towards our coach. This guy with a wooden leg came back and asked what we were doing. We replied that we were going to the coach. He told us we should have waited but we answered that we’d waited for long enough. He made us all sit down in the middle of the street and he asked “where’s this opium?”. We asked “what opium?” and he started playing silly games with us. He said that he was going to make us march all the way back again which we refused to do. We were sitting there in the middle of the road and he was becoming quite aggressive but we were having none of it. There was a party of girls sitting close by. One of them was one with whom I’d wandered around this museum. She shouted over to me that she had taken £1100 out of her bank account, given £310 to someone for something but couldn’t remember what this other £800 was for. Did I know? Could I remember? I remembered vaguely something but this wasn’t the time or place to mention it so I told her that I’d see her later. She replied “if there is a later” because this situation was slowly starting to escalate.

This afternoon I’ve had to help Mr Ukrainian dismantle the interior of his car. I the storm last night he had about 3 inches of water in it. We ended up taking out all of the seats and carpets and putting them somewhere to dry, and then using cloths to take out the water

Tea tonight was the leftover vegetable curry from last night and it was just as nice as yesterday.

So that was that. Rosemary and I were on our own for the evening so we didn’t stay out long. Right now I’m finishing my notes and then I’m off to bed. An early night and more pleasant dreams, I hope.

But who was the girl who I’d been with at that museum? I wish I knew. And I’m sure that you do too.

Monday 26th May 2014 – THIS IS ASTONISHING …

… but here I am at 22:15 on a Monday evening and in a minute I’ll be off to bed.

Clearly something’s up, although I’m not quite sure what, and I did have a little something of a late night last night but nevertheless …

And the weather doesn’t help at all. It’s been raining for almost all of the day and this afternoon we’ve had some terrific rainstorms – coming back between Gouttieres and Pionsat I could hardly see the road.

So this morning I was up early and in Marcillat-en-Combraille for the Radio Tartasse version of Radio Anglais. And we had the usual shambolic performance that is becoming something of a trademark these days and it’s a good job that I’m engineering my own rock music programmes, for Heaven alone knows what they might be like.

Terry’s big Ifor Williams trailer was in Pionsat at Simon’s so I had to pick that up on the way back and drop it off on Terry, and then Liz and I made our way down to Gerzat for the Radio Arverne sessions.

Bernard for some reason wasn’t there and Philippe, the young apprentice, was there waiting for someone else (it seems that they had forgotten about us). But the someone else didn’t turn up so Philippe did the engineering for us. It took ages as he didn’t really know how our shows work but eventually it finished, only for Philippe to find out that the studio calendar was on the wrong page and we were indeed expected after all.

So what happened there I really don’t know.

So braving the rainstorms, I’m back home and I’m off to bed. I’ve had enough for today.

-1

Sunday 23rd March 2014 – IT’S HARD TO BELIEVE …

… that last Sunday at Menetrol, at half-time during the footy, we were all lounging around on the grass sunbathing. If I had been to the football today, we would have spent half-time shovelling the snow off the pitch and building snowmen … "snowPERSONS" – ed.

Coming back from Liz at Terry’s tonight, it was snowing like crazy and the road between St Gervais and Gouttières, and over the Font Nanaud, was becoming difficult. Yes, I changed Caliburn’s snow tyres for his summer tyres the other day, didn’t I?

So with an early(ish) night last night I was wide awake, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 09:20 and so even with it being Sunday, I had an early breakfast. But the morning was so depressing – rain, hail, sleet, and probably plagues of locusts and the like too. Pionsat were playing the Chimps at Villosanges but
1) kick-off was at 13:00
2) the weather was positively atrocious
3) it’s a 90-km round trip
4) I wouldn’t be back til after 16:00, I was expected at Liz’s at 17:30 and I still had wome work to do on the radio stuff.
For those reasons I stayed behind and carried on working.

But the weather really is dreadful and (apparently) it’s going to be like this for all of next week. And we have a lot of travelling to do with the radio programmes tomorrow.

BRRRRRR!

-5

Thursday 23rd January 2014 – I FINALLY MANAGED …

… to pick up Cécile’s letter this morning, after all these weeks.

And so seeing as how I was going to have a morning out, I decided to make the most of it, especially as it was once again p155ing down.

First stop was the Mairie. I need a form to say that I’m still alive (and judging by the smell around here, you would be excused for wondering) and the best person to do that is the Mayor of the village. They have a nice big and official-looking stamp that gives a really impressive look to any kind of document.

Then off to Cécile’s. I need to put an accompanying letter with this form and so I typed one out last night and saved it onto a memory stick. Also, Cécile sent me an authorisation to collect her mail, and so both of these needed printing. I have three printers here – one stopped working when it fell off the desk, the second only prints in blue and only when it feels like it, and the third one, that I rescued from Marianne’s, that ran out of ink on me.

So round to Cécile’s and her printer and – guess what?

Quite right. Hers ran out of ink too but there’s an override button on it and so we ended up with documants in light grey ink.

Nevertheless, the authorisation was accepted at the Post Office and I collected the letter. And then off to Pionsat and the Post Office there. That’s a real Post Office and so I posted my letter and form, and also a packet for Malou. When I was stuck in Brussels with no ‘phone charger for the old Nokia, she very kindly sent me one. And she’s a big fan of Edith Piaf and Marianne had a German version of the film La Vie En Rose. Malou speaks German fluently, and so that’s now on its way to Luxembourg.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, that was the morning gone. And so I’ve spent all of the afternoon firstly, picking up the bits of wood from the construction project to use as firelighters, and then sweeping up the sawdust for the composting toilet. It’s impressive that I can actually do that.

Secondly, I started to load up the new shelves. The little cheap lightweight shelf unit that I put in the downstairs room as a temporary measure, that’s now completely empty. There’s a pile of stuff gone out of the barn onto the new shelves, and a pile of stuff out of the verandah has followed it. And, much to my surprise, the shelves aren’t even half-full. There’s tons of room for more stuff.

This evening, seeing as I was in a contemplative frame of mind, I watched The Wild Bunch. Peckinpah rather prolongs the violence unnecessarily, I reckon, but apart from that, it is one of the most magnificent films that has ever been made and the performances of William Holden and Ernest Borgnine have no parallel in anything that I have seen elsewhere. It’s a film that is in my Top 5 Films of All Time and quite rightly so.

So what’s the plan for tomorrow then?

When I dug out the flooring to put in a large battery box, I made the box the size to suit the Hawker batteries that I use. However, one or two of them are starting to creak a little and I can no longer obtain the replacements, and so I bought a while ago some massive 200 amp-hour batteries.

The battery box isn’t big enough to take them and so I’m going to be making a start on digging out some more flooring and enlarging the box.

And why 200 amp-hour batteries? Why not go for anything bigger? The answer to that is a simple question of logistics. I can just about manage to pick up a 200 amp-hour battery on my own. Anything bigger and it will be beyond the realms of possibility, and I have long-since given up the idea of doing anything that I’m not able to do on my own.

-5

Tuesday 21st January 2014 – IF I’M NOT INTERRUPTED …

… tomorrow, I might actually finish these shelves.

I didn’t do anything this morning though because I wasn’t here. I had to go to St Eloy to see Marianne’s son Pascal. He’s giving up his little apartment there soon and moving to Montlucon to be nearer work. He’s not much good with a screwdriver and there are a few tasks that need to be done to put the apartment back how it should be. I said that I’d go for a look around and see what needs doing.

I took advantage of my visit to go to LIDL. Their special offer this week is D-i-Y stuff and I needed some screws so I stocked up with them.

After that I went to Cécile’s and the Post Office at Gouttières to negotiate a little about collecting this letter. After a lengthy period there with the guy who runs it, we agreed that Cécile needs to telephone him, and so I duly passed on the message.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, all of the washing (or, at least, all that I remembered to bring back from Cécile’s) is now hung up outside, so nice was the day, and then I attacked the shelving.

All 6 uproghts are now cut and shaped and because the floor is uneven and so they are all different lebgth, I’ve but a bracing bar across the three at the back to hold it all in position.

5 of the uprights are now screwed into position and the horizontal fitted to two pairs. I was trying to work out how to fit the 6th – it’s a little cramped in there and I need the room to pass the shelves through into position.

But having a stop and a think has made me think of a way to do it and so tomorrow I can press on.

Tonight I just lit a small fire and had a tea of pasta, veg, tomato sauce and veggie-burger. And it was the nicest meal that i’ve ever cooked on my little stove. I must be improving.

-3

Sunday 18th December 2011 – I’VE BEEN CHANGING …

… the habits of a lifetime.

It all started this morning when I was up and about at 08:15 and that was without an alarm clock or a phone call as well – and on a Sunday too, the day after coming back from a long journey!

And so having lit a fire up here in the attic to warm myself up, I spent the morning writing the additional notes for the radio programme on Tuesday

Later on, I was out working, and that’s a rare event for a Sunday too!

I started to unload Caliburn but that really didn’t make much headway as there are space issues. But all of the scaffolding is off and stacked and much of the heavy stuff has been removed.

The weather clouded over too, and so I took advantage of what light there was to change Caliburn’s front tyres and now he has his winter boots on. And I’m glad I did too as the ones that were on there were rather thin to say the least.

Off to Terry and Liz’s next to drop off a load of stuff and you have no idea how much better Caliburn was handling with his winter tyres. And I’m glad that I fitted them too, because once I got to about Gouttieres it started to snow and it was snowing heavily by the time that I was back home

Now I’m going to bed as I still have this streaming head cold that I picked up in the UK and an early night cuddled up in this warm room (and aren’t I impressed with my new fire?) under the quilt will do me the world of good.

-2

Saturday 21st May 2011 – I’m exhausted!

And no wonder!

0ur walk went really well today. There was quite a crowd of us, which is always nice, and we met up early at St Julien la Geneste.

The weather was good for a ramble too – dry but not too warm, and so we rambled for miles, up and down a couple of hills, all over a few farm tracks, little by-ways and the odd forest here and there. It was quite an expedition.

We visited a couple of natural springs in the area on our way around but ended up at the highest point of our voyage at the little chapel on the hill at the back of Gouttieres, the Eglise de Notre Dame des Blés that Marianne the local journalist/historian and I visited the other day.

This made a suitable place to have a little pause because it was hard work for some of our crowd to climb up all the way to here.

It’s not far from the chapel where you can find the old Roman gold mine – the one about which there was so much controversy the other day.

We had a good look around but of course we didn’t find the gold. It was something of a forlorn hope, I do have to admit. Mind you, Emilie, the girl who led the walk, knows where you CAN go to do some gold-panning and furthermore is taking a coach trip there on 5th of June. What a shame that I won’t be here for that.

It was all downhill after that back to St Julien la Geneste and we ended up having a meal as well afterwards, so much for all my plans

What with one thing and another it was gone 21:00 when we left. Time flies so quickly when you are in good, convivial company.

Saturday 7th May 2011 – Well, I’ve been a busy little bee today.

Yes, and I don’t normally do all that much on a Saturday either.

We started off at this meeting at the Maison Ducros-Maymat that is threatened with demolition. The mayor turned up to meet us as promised, but only 50 minutes late. He told us about the reasons for its demolition, which was sound logic as far as it went, but once we began to push back the barriers, his logic became more and more shaky. What was so funny about this was that one of my arguments is that all of the civic and social functions of the town ought to be regrouped around a focal point, like the town square. Dispersing them is really dispersing the soul of the town. Just at that moment two people, clearly out of breath, came up to us and asked “where is this restaurant – the Queue de Milan?” And so we explained that it was another 500 metres outside the town opposite the old railway station. It rather proved my point.

After that I headed out to St Julien la Geneste to the formal opening of this Gite. It was an old house that the Commune bought and has modernised into holiday accommodation.

It’s been excellently done, that’s for sure. And I was talking to the manager of the place and he was telling me that they need a web-site doing. So I’ll give him a quote and see what happens.

On the way back, Marianne and I went for a good drive around.

The first place that we visited was a little chapel situated on one of the highest points in the area. It’s the Eglise de Notre Dame des Blés – the Church of Our Lady of the Meadows and it was built as recently as 1959 as a site of pilgrimage.

There is, apparently a religious procession up here once a year, although I’ve not been able to tag along quite yet – I’ll add it onto my list of things to do.

But never mind the chapel for a moment – just look at the view!

It’s a shame that the weather wasn’t clearer because had there not been all of this haze the view right across to the Puy de Sancy would have been stunning. It’s not too bad as it is.

This is certainly one of the most spectacular viewpoints in the whole area without a doubt and I’ll have to come back another time.

You’ll know that I have an interest in abandoned railway lines and I’ve featured on these pages quite a bit about the abandoned Paris-Orleans railway extension between Montlucon and Gouttieres that opened as late as 1932 and closed as early as 1939.

We’d walked up to the Tunnel des Bouchards from the Pionsat direction a while ago, and so today we went to try to find our way up to the tunnel from the other direction.

That wasn’t at all possible given the time and the conditions. We need much more time to do this and to come back in February or March when there is no vegetation.

Back home again, Marianne and I had an informal meeting to plan our next line of attack about the Maison Ducros, and then went out to one of the other members of the Pionsat Patrimoine who was having internet issues – for which I diagnosed a new cable (which now works).

I managed 10 minutes to do a quick bit of shopping at the Intermarche and then it was off to Marcillat to watch their 1st XI take on Breuil, 2nd in the division. And much to my surprise, and that of everyone else in the crowd, Marcillat wom 3-1 even though they were under the cosh for much of the game. Mind you, this was a game at level 6 of the French pyramid – 1 level higher than Pionsat (although in a different part of the pyramid) but believe me, Pionsat’s 1st XI could have played both these teams at the same time and won the match with some to spare. The level of football in the Allier is way below that in the Puy-de-Dome.

Tomorrow, still no footy at Pionsat (what a waste of a weekend this is!) but according to Franck, the Pionsat trainer who was at the match this evening, there’s a match at St Marcel, about 5 miles from Pionsat (but in the Allier), kick-off at 15:00. I don’t recall ever having been to St Marcel 😉

-1

Monday 10th January 2011 – I had a little fun …

…with the Nikon this evening.

On the way down to Christiane’s, I noticed that the church of Gouttieres, situated on a hill right across the valley from the main road, was clearly visible with there being no leaves on the trees right now. And it’s always well-illuminated at night and I’ve often thought that it would make a good photograph.

And so on the way back home I found a suitable spot at the side of the main road, set up the tripod and spent a pleasant 15 minutes experimenting. Considering that I’m probably a mile away from the church and it was pitch-black, I don’t think it’s come out too badly at all.

We’d been down to Christiane’s to celebrate Epiphany (I know we are three or four days behind but so what? The rest of the Auvergne is 200 years behind) and to cut the “galette du roi” – a traditional European Epiphany event. We were about 10 or so people there, but it’s the quality that counts, not the quantity and we had a very pleasant evening.

Today though, I did something that I bet you would never ever consider that I might do – and that is I swept up in the bedroom and bagged all of the rubbish. So at least I can move around in there for the next stage of the work and not trip over anything. I need a sieve to sift the rubbish to rescue nails, screws, screwdriver bits and the like and in the absence of such I made one, by the simple expedient of finding a damaged 20-litre liquid container, cutting off the top, and drilling a huge amount of 5mm holes all over the container. I tried it on the rubble that came out of the chimney and it worked a treat, and so I tried it in the lean-to on the debris from the wood I’ve been cutting and it separated a pile of small kindling from a huge amount of sawdust. I’m clearly onto something with this.

Tomorrow I can make a start on fitting the false beam that will hide part of the electrical trunking, and I also have to go to see Bill to pick up this immersion heater that he wants to dispose of.

And talking of water heating, the batteries in the barn topped out today. The first time since November.

-1

Monday 24th May 2010 – There were about 15 of us …

… including Clotilde and Heidi from the Conversation Group, who went for this tramp in the woods today. Unfortunately the tramp got away but never mind – we’ll get him next time.

First place we were taken to was deep in the woods at the back of Gouttieres, and here we uncovered some old machinery.

It is in fact some old pithead winding gear – a winding frame of sorts and a steam engine to power it – and dates from the turn of the 20th Century when this mine-shaft was sunk to exploit the coal seam here.

St Eloy les Mines was well-known for its coal mines, as I have said many times in the past and as the quest for fuel intensified at the end of the 19th Century they started to sink shafts at the peripheral edges of the valley.

They struck a good, profitable seam at Youx and Montjoie and so they followed it right through to the edge of the plateau where the valley opens out into the valley of the Sioule.

Early indications were promising and several mines were sunk in the area between Gouttieres and Lapeize, including this site in the forest at the back of Gouttieres. They had high hopes for the area – even going to the lengths of making a huge goods yard at the railway station at Gouttieres for the trans-shipment of the mined coal.

A great deal of investment was made in the area, not just with the mine installations themselves but even dividing up farmland into tiny plots for housing for the workers, but all hopes were dashed as the coal quite literally turned to dust.

Not one of the pits that were sunk lasted more than a handful of years. It was quickly discovered that the reserves were nothing like as prolific as everyone was expecting and there was insufficient coal to make the proposition an economic one.

Even the massive Puits Michelin at Lapeize, the remains of which can be seen in this photograph, lasted no more than 5 years. The huge area that was set aside for a slag heap rose to no more than about 20 feet high.

We visited the site of 3 or 4 mines but the highlight of the visit, from one point of view at least, was finding the final outcrop of surface coal.

Here, we are probably no more than 300 metres from the Puits Michelin and this is where the coal seam ends. It just curves upwards to the surface and that is that. No wonder that it wasn’t possible to make an economic proposition of coal-mining in the area with the coal seam petering out like this.

A small amount of open-cast mining was carried out here but it was done in a very desultory, half-hearted fasion and never amounted to very much at all.

After a stop for iced water we went to look at the quarries at Lapeize.

The area is famous for the “Grès de Lapeize” – a hard silty millstone grit type of rock with a close affinity to sandstone and there are 5 major outcrops in the Lapeize area.

These have been quarried for centuries, if not millennia, and many important buildings in the area, including the Chateau de Pionsat, are made from the stone.

They closed down just prior to World War II but some kind of desultory attempt was made to restart them but it was doomed to failure. But in 1970 one of the quarries was bought (for a pittance) by a man from St Georges de Mons who was going to build a hotel there and he needed the stone.

Now Krys told me to look out for fossils (I suppose she meant something other than my fellow walkers) but never mind that – the guy who bought the quarry took a wartime American GMC truck – 6-cylinder petrol sidevalve – into the quarry. And people say that it was fitted with a mechanical crane to scoop up the rock.

And one day he simply stopped coming and his truck is still there.

So I had a good nosy around it. It’s been robbed of many parts but its major components are still there. And it’s not a mechanical bucket on the back, it’s a mechanical prodder-type of ram-type of drill for breaking the stone off the wall and into manageable chunks.

Still, hottest day of the year so far – 34.5 degrees and the heat exchanger went off the scale – the first time since 6th August last year.

However it got off to a bad start. Being a Bank Holiday I was planning on a lie-in but not one but two phone calls shortly after 09:00 knackered that idea.

And it’s still warm now. It reached over 27 degrees in here even with all of the windows open and as I type – at 01:40 with all of the windows open and a pleasant breeze blowing in, it’s still 24.7 degrees. Summer has well and truly acumen in. Lude sing cucu, hey what?

-4

Tuesday 26th January 2010 – I’ve been on the piste today …

… for the first time since 1996 too. We (that is, five of us) went to Super Besse for the day. However it wasn’t as exciting as you might imagine, the reason being that despite the weatherman telling us that it was going to be the best day of the year so far, we had the typical Auvergnat hanging cloud on the mountain. This meant that firstly you could hardly see your hand in front of your face (so don’t expect any photos) and secondly all of the high runs were closed off and so everyone was concentrated on just two or three runs.

And I mean everyone too. There were several coach parties of schoolkids, a party of Asian students, loads of business-type folk in matching ski suits and so on. And of course you might expect that I made myself persona non grata with some folk. As Terry reached the bottom of one of the runs a party of schoolchildren stretched out across his path. And Terry, much to my surprise, shuddered to a halt.
“You missed out there Terry” I yelled. “You would have got 100 points for that lot, you know!”
“What?” asked a British person standing in the queue next to me (there were quite a few Brits there today)
“You know” I replied. “10-pin bowling. They line up the kids in formation across the piste and the inexperienced skiers see how many kids they can get. A whole ski class counts for 100 points!”
The monitor of the ski class clearly understood more English than she was letting on to, and she gave me a glance that would have curdled milk at half a mile and made a derogatory comment. Mind you, I know a few of those myself, as she discovered.

What was surprising was that after one or two runs up the baby slope I remembered all my technique. And even more surprising was that I could still fit into my Makro Man ski suit, which I discarded for use as a winter overall back in 1994 when I bought my “Bulgaria ski school” ski suit (which is with my skis and boots back in Brussels and which I will be rescuing).

But at 16:00 it was impossible to continue. It was freezing cold and you couldn’t see who you were ploughing into. But it’s whetted my appetite and rekindled my desire for skiing after all this time.

Banff here I come!

The drive back to Liz and Terry’s was difficult, and the drive back to here was worse. I had to hack lumps of ice off Caliburn’s windscreen and then inch my way home as the freezing rain that had fallen had transformed the roads into a skating rink.

But at least I got home, which is more than someone did. There’s a dark green Peugeot saloon on its side in the ditch near Gouttieres.

-6

EPIC HALL

The Poisoned Pen (or Poisoned Chalice, more like) – or my relentless struggle against reality